Friday, December 30, 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

nightmares, realities and dreams.... LIFE!

A friend of mine and I were chatting up after long. Having known each other since our teens we’ve grown 15yrs together and are still glad to know and love each other…
Though we stand oceans apart, every once in a while when we do catch up, thankfully we can start from where we left off. Yesterday, we were two married women talking about how geographically marriage is looked upon. In India, at my age I might be considered someone who is keeping up with her age and social duties, given I am 30, married and a mother. I obviously have no right to crib or cry or even aspire for more (other than have more kids) cause I have hit the targets on time. Which means I could die today and my tombstone would read ‘She lived her life… COMPLETE!’ Pahhhhhhh!
Whereas my friend, in Italy is seen with suspicious glances given she is 30 and married already! Why would she do that they ask! There is still a long way to go and a lifetime to marry and settle, why the haste?
I am not in for either of the extremes, if I were to debate! I don’t mind being married, I don’t feel bound neither do I feel I have accomplished anything in life by that…
While, I was discussing the pros and cons with my pal, my 5month old kept the conversation going with herself. I cooed along intermittently to keep my daughter going. When I turned around to check if hasn’t got some anti-social toy in her mouth (she is in the phase where she believes if you can grab it, you must eat it) and I saw her trying to her a ball as big as her into her mouth, it was a cute sight but within no time, she rolled over the ball, taking a somersault flat on the ground from the bed.
I scurried, working as swiftly to calm her and check if she was hurt within no time she was laughing but I wasn’t…after many calls to my mother, the doc, the neighbour and more, I finally settled into believing my baby was unharmed. But the daunting task to fill the father with the happenings remained.
Given I am married to him for the past 4years, I knew what to expect… the worry and screaming were something I was anticipating, however the magnitude was 10folds more than expected.
After he settled, it took me 3more hours to settle my li’l one and inadvertently I started replaying my day, the week… my life before my eyes. Obviously, it made me feel my years before marriage was such a cushioned and carefree life that I started to envy all who are still single, without the responsibilities of a husband AND baby on their shoulders… it made me sad, and angry, and frustrated in parts… given my child had slept in my arms while I was pacing with anger mostly at the husband’s outburst I decided I should tuck her in and myself too.
Her eyes blinked laden with sleep, she smiled a little, and stretched her arms one last time to hold onto to me before slumber took over. The sight of your sleeping child fills your heart so, that there is no more space for any other emotion, or even a thought…thank you, Lihua, for being in my life and making everything and everyone else so inconsequential…
Now if only you hadn’t fallen……

Monday, December 26, 2011

2011 - the year that was...

The highlight of the year, HAS to be meeting my greatest fear right in the face! Pregnancy and subsequently, delivering who I now refer to as 'Baby Doll/Love of my life/ Lihua/ Qiana/ Dreadful devil/ beautiful bane....'

Like many others who have been married for over 2-3years in India, I was often met with the one question by everyone who met me, 'When do we hear the good news!' my illusion raise, my efficiently managed house, even yummy-new-found culinary skills weren't good enough news for them... till it finally happened. Given, I had suffered 3years of disappointed-faces, I was finally glad I could put a tick on that in my accomplishments-as-a-woman, but only the one's very close to me realised how scared I really was.

My best friends' and even my mother's concern didn't surprise me till one fine day I got a call from my father telling me, 'Bhoy peyo naa, shobh theek hobe (fear not, all will be well)' It was then that I realised how obvious my fear was... I haven't ever credited my father for being observant, and that one comment won't change that :P

The first few months of nausea were bugging, but the concerned faces and all the fuss around me did make up for the horrible taste in my mouth and also the swollen face.

The picture says a lot about all that changed physically... the 9month was perhaps the toughest on the aching legs, swinging moods, sinking heart... and of course, on my husband who increasingly looked like a man on a hot pant, forever jumpy, worrying his ass off!

Till finally, the day arrived and we quietly drove to the hospital, quietly unlike the screamy ladies we see in the films is because I had a c-section... my dreadful darling had the cord laced around her neck...

Frankly, I only had my husband for support that night when random ppl would come shave me, shove an enema up and basically treat like a cow who didn't deserve a semblance of privacy.
That night, was the longest and the day overwhelming... with my first IV, first surgery, first baby - i felt humiliated, butchered and happy as hell!

Of course, I didn't know then that what would follow were days which made every bit of the pregnancy and delivery seem like a cake-walk.
Today, when Lihua is finally making peace with the fact that she has to survive with a clueless set of parents, she is calmer and me too...

But certainly, this year has effectively changed every following year for me.
Life would never be the same, and while I miss some of the carefree days, I am thankful to the Lord, that I have no regrets!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Imagery has left the building…

With memories of my grandmom flooding my mind, I took up to listening some of the old hindi film songs which were her favourites; having heard them over and over while growing up, while she played the harmonium and set her court with her loyal lot of friends who looked delightfully at her pretty face, enamored by her personality.

She certainly had a lovely voice to go with that ambience she created.
As a result, I know many obsolete songs which I might never have had a chance meeting with had I grown up in any other family. Two of the songs that remain vivid in my memory are Lata Mangeshkar’s ‘Chand phir nikla’ and… Geeta Dutt’s ‘Kaise koi jiye’…

While completing a few chores at home, I suddenly felt the need to look, these songs, up on the internet. Lo’ behold, I found them and realized that my petite granny use to bungle up many a lyric while she concentrated on the language and avoided her Bengali accent from creeping into the melodies…

Coming back to my virtual success at the lyrics hunt, I realize that the songs then had some lovely lyrics, the images the songs created with words enchanted the hearts of the listeners. Even today, while I close my eyes and listen, I can feel the clouds they speak off, casting shadows on the mind while it prepares to face the grim reality the heart often has to suffer in love. Fascinating!

Truly, none can make you understand the matters of heart better than those who can paint a picture with their words…
How unfortunate that such a gift has turned into a dying art.

Perhaps today when people don’t have the time to look around and feel one with the paraphernalia that crowds their life, the lyricists might have taken to a more contemporary need. Say things they way they are, and leave it to people to accept and move one…

But sometimes I feel, if they would bother to paint a picture, we might take time out to breath life into it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

back like a tarnished coin

:) Writing about myself is perhaps my most favoured pastime but somehow I haven't been giving myself to pleasure of doing so, off late especially.
Given, we had some decent days over the last 6months that I have been away (or has it been more?)
either ways, I feel the need to voice my thoughts into space, be it virtual so well, here's for starters
I sat through two films Bridges of Madison and Atonement, both about love...
The commonality comes from finding love and even having it reciprocated but never celebrating the joy of togetherness.
What an awful thought to live life with? Knowing there is someone who loves you as much as you love them, but never finding the strength or the opportunity to reach out... to comfort and be comforted?
It has been disturbing me for a while now....

another disturbing thought, when Clint Eastwood said 'this kind of certainty comes just once in a lifetime'
it scared me!!!
Most of us live our lives without feeling emotions of that magnitude!

People can call me what they want, they might think I want to live in fairytales but in my head, I just don't wish to give up on love!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

how today goes......

I am not exactly liking the world today :( had a decent morning but somehow, work screwed it up…. (which though is a regular phenomenon, today it got a hell lot more screwy)
A bitchy chick tried bitching me out to the BOSS. Not good! I mean, especially if I was nowhere in her way… thank god, sense prevailed on those that count and BOSS took after me, but still………. Why would anyone do that? I don’t know….

With that sorta head I am not supposed to go see a film… a film about an inmate, how he gets abused during his sentence. Intense perhaps but somehow, I am not in the mood to see a person getting tortured outta his sanity. But I have no options, work MUST be done.

There are some horrid graphic depictions of the actor ‘pleasing’ his ownself midst a sea of other men, which I know won’t be something I can relate to! Not that one can’t understand the ‘need’; but I do know the director… he is pretty crass, to have it in him to capture the moment with all its honesty….

Anyways, lets see… where today takes us!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

a lil abstract but.....

Humour me, but I really think if the Almighty would have ensured comfortable lives for only those who are good people by heart, this world would have been a better place. It’s like, God paying you in kind (and just not being kind) for being kind :D
Why not? Won’t the world be a better place? With money and power in the right hands etc….