how today goes......

I am not exactly liking the world today :( had a decent morning but somehow, work screwed it up…. (which though is a regular phenomenon, today it got a hell lot more screwy)
A bitchy chick tried bitching me out to the BOSS. Not good! I mean, especially if I was nowhere in her way… thank god, sense prevailed on those that count and BOSS took after me, but still………. Why would anyone do that? I don’t know….

With that sorta head I am not supposed to go see a film… a film about an inmate, how he gets abused during his sentence. Intense perhaps but somehow, I am not in the mood to see a person getting tortured outta his sanity. But I have no options, work MUST be done.

There are some horrid graphic depictions of the actor ‘pleasing’ his ownself midst a sea of other men, which I know won’t be something I can relate to! Not that one can’t understand the ‘need’; but I do know the director… he is pretty crass, to have it in him to capture the moment with all its honesty….

Anyways, lets see… where today takes us!

a lil abstract but.....

Humour me, but I really think if the Almighty would have ensured comfortable lives for only those who are good people by heart, this world would have been a better place. It’s like, God paying you in kind (and just not being kind) for being kind :D
Why not? Won’t the world be a better place? With money and power in the right hands etc….

life's diwali...

(the pic of the rangoli i made, my very first)


It has been a long, long time and all that has to be blamed is the hooksinbutt syndrome I am suffering from 
It is not like I don’t have anything to write, there is so much happening around… yet somehow, I have been so angry or so happy that I have just not managed writing!

Like we spent our first diwali, in our new house. It was exciting to get it all tidied up and stuff, it meant a lot to get it right, somehow… I have never been so enthusiastic about the festival of lights EVER before. Yet, somehow since it was my prerogative this time around, I didn’t wanna screw up.

Bought mom a few things, got my self some jewellery…. Got yet another tv for the bedroom… so basically…. Spent a lot of money! My own money, so felt awesome! Still have a little remaining, which I intend blowing up soon. This is the best way to live…

The other day had a friend over… I quickly fixed us lunch and we sat and spoke for a while, it was a happy day… she told me in all her 40yrs of age… I am her only friend, someone who has stuck by her… I did feel a little bad for her that moment, it’s a pity not to have good friends around you… worse is the thought that I didn’t really consider her my bestest bud. I would have liked it better, for her, had the feeling been mutual. With all those terrible thoughts aside, it was just nice to know that I have been treasured by someone. The realization came with a smile.

more randomness and movies....

For a very long time I had The Reader, tucked away in one of the CDs at home, somehow wasn’t really in the frame of mind to want to watch something which would be heavy on the heart.

Today while waiting for pages to proofread I ran through the film, actually sat peacefully and enjoyed every bit of it, given the fact that we have the issue packed up and waiting to reach the stands and not too many people had shown up today. I liked the film….

Actually, human behaviour in itself is such a compelling subject that somehow, it always conjures up fantastic stories. Just why we do what we do is so intriguing for one and all. Like in the case of Hanna Schmit…
(I am not the greatest fan of Kate Winslet and through the initial 15mins of the film I was pretty unhappy with the way that kid looked too… but then again, you don’t really go wowie, and totally glued to a film from the word go, it has to grow on you.)

There are many times when I look back in life, I wonder what if I had done things differently. I don’t really know if my life would have been much different cause I haven’t been on too many crossroads or maybe I just didn’t stop to ponder ever, when maybe I should have, I’d never know!

Another thing, the whole jazz about ‘guilt’!

Through out the film I kept thinking of how did the Kid ever manage to get over the guilt of keeping mum, about not going through those gates and walking up to Hanna the first time he attempted. For someone like me who just needs reasons to worry my heart out, it is too much pain to deal with. I don’t know why I do that so very many times; I pick out a person from the yore and think of all the days that we have shared, many a times it adds up to nothing more than 2 or 3… and then think of an instance where perhaps I tried telling a joke that might have hurt the person, or even a snide comment (I used to be super sarcastic to the world at one pointt; I am now working against it) and then feel miserable about the whole thought. In all probability, I might be the only one of the two who has even bothered to remember the instance yet, I succeed in making myself miserable about it.

Like this one recurring thought: About a professor of ours, I have always been obedient and respectful of others but this one time, a classmate pointed out to me how this particular professor might be really dirty, for he wears the same clothes all the time… The thought of person not changing clothes, equated to lack of civic sense in my head, I couldn’t think of any other reasons why someone wont change clothes and would feel very disgusted if I had to go past him, till somehow I heard he wasn’t financially well off and was working very hard to support the family… that guilt still stays with me, though with it also comes the pray of hope, that wherever he might be, he should be doing good today!

to be or not to be.........

well, this week has been quite a scarrry one, for a good long time I thought, rather was almost partially certain that we are excepting... and boy, so many things flew right into my face, slapping me all over... realization of our finances, the lack of knowledge to deal with whatever was going to come our way... and basically, just fear of going through it for the next coming years through the entire life.........

I guess that is why they say, it is not wise to ponder!

musings, if i may!

There are many things I have to do at this very moment, but I chose to pen some thoughts down…. Just that when the thoughts get inevitable and have no solutions, one can always pen them down and philosophies. Like the other day the girls got together asking me how did I know that I was ready to marry, how did I know that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with…do I ever sit back and wonder how life would have been had I gone the other way etc….

It is then that I sat back to think, that most of the times we think of how it would have been when it is clearly not the best day of our life…. Something is going a lil off-key and we want to quickly slip into dream mode and think of how life would be and more such musings that keep us amused just the right amount so that we can get up and hit the kitchen and go on with the chores… but frankly, how fair is it to compare the sad days with some happy hypothesis and tell ourselves to move on…. ridiculous…

If you want to find things to be depressed about, you will find them even at duty-free stores, sold dime-a-doz… but it is still not going to be worth it!

Papa

Have spent an exceptional weekend with my Pa-in-law. We went riding along to the super market, with my feeling super cool…. The thing is my pa is this famous doc and everyone of the road insisted on saying hello and stuff… imagine how it might have felt to be that famous doc’s daughter-in-law. Uber cool!
The best bit was when we would curse the lack of civic sense in the world. Calling everyone riding faster than us a maniac and slower than us, a moron! ………. I like bonding with him *touchwood*. He is a nice man!!!!!!

jusht!

I sulk and pout and slog with nothing while others are making pork before the swine flies off (read swine flu is off)!!!!

In happier thoughts, today after 10years I had Narkol Nadu (a Bengali delicacy made of grated coconut, jaggery and shtuff) my paternal grandma was really good with it. Hope she is happy wherever she is...

nostalgic :(

From being three teenagers clueless and random in behaviour and conduct… to being professionals in four different continents, we have truly come a long way! Today the last of us got married… and none of us were there with her.
Miss the way we used to be, together… laughing, being stupid without any responsibilities, without a worry! We faired miserably in our studies thanks to all the fun we had, but seriously, nothing in life would compare to those few days we spent together. Love you all and miss you all dearly!

Chrisanne, love you and thinking about you a lot today! How I wish I could have shared this moment with you and niki!

...couldn't be more blank!

My grandma lies cold in the hospital as I write this, awaiting her funeral….
Yesterday when I got the news I couldn’t put a finger on how I felt about it. She was 85 and suffering… so I am glad that the ordeal is over for her. But there’s this emptiness… there are so many things that went wrong between her n I that I really wish there was a way that our relationship could have been simpler… happier…

We spent a lot of time together. I remember visiting random people and getting bored outta my skull but accompanying her all over town. I remember she and I took a trip once with some other people and she really took care of me, like a grandma… these were days when life wasn’t really all peachy with us n her. She and I never really fought but seeing her exchange horrid words with my closest people often had me in tears. Life spent with her need not have been that bad.

Life is just so short… people always forgive and move on… but… why quarrel in the first place? Why have that bitterness and waste time which could have been lovely… just like that trip we took… why does it always take strangers or worse isolation and separation to remind us of how close we actually are?

madness contd...

Tomorrow’s supposed to be a very high, high tide! Well, it’s a normal enough phenomenon but somehow we are all supposed to be scared and locked up in our rooms, thanks to how effortlessly we are screwed up our drainages…. Not completely complaining cause I would not mind a holiday at all…and long weekends are just the need of the hour!

In fact, this weekend might be a special one, after nearing two years of marriage, Hub n I might be going for the marriage prep course. Jesus won’t certify out marriage unless we hear those good people out. Interesting….

Given that the first couple of years after marriage that is supposed to be the toughest, we got through all that without any words of wisdom coming from any end… and after all the mess and crap is over, we decide to prepare ourselves of marriage :)
But then, that’s just us… We just love doing things all topsy-turvy!

of rainbows and itching irritations....

I hear I have become very irritable off late… wondering how is it that I will be skimming out of that image now… Point is I can’t for the life of me understand why do people have to work for money, that to in such awful conditions like ours? Why can’t we go back to barter times? My brand and promotions dept is surviving decently with that! Why can’t I just be a good girl and stay away from ppl’s head and they in turn make sure I have a roof on my head and plenty to eat?.... This is kinda walking straight into my previous blog ‘craving for simpler times’ but I just can’t stop the craving… maybe just withdrawal symptoms!

Just the other day, I was walking around the sea-face and it was gorgeous, everything and everyone getting swept by the grimy water washing over the drive from the Mumbai sea line! It might be dirty, blackened water with thick oil spills making tiny rainbows all through the waves that worry me sick… but secretly I was happy. It is that much, I miss seeing the rainbow in the sky….

Oh, I remember the last time I saw one, it was way back in 2006 and I was in Vasai, very much a part of Bombay but still a step away from the pollution. I as always wanted to go on a boat ride or at least see the sea (I get a kick outta it) and there I was with my best friend and my then boy-friend now husband staring at that bright colorful expanse running right across the sky making a fairytale roof under which I stood – the happiest person alive… feeling complete, feeling loved and feeling one with the higher power!

It was such a happy day that I try to pretend living it in the broken slippery rainbows I see across the waves every time I walk along the sea… I am scared to know that the waters of Bombay are scarily edging towards getting radioactive with the pollution it carries with it…. But I smile nevertheless!!!

craving for simpler times...

It is crazy, you go home to your parents and get all happy, since you’ve missed them and also realizing how much they miss you but the one way they chose to exhibit how much they’ve missed you is to nag you… till death! - “Why do you have to do every thing yourself? Why aren’t you more organized? Why are you shifting sofas all by yourself?” worse, “Why don’t you realize that you need a break!” Yeah right, when will parents ever listen, at least to their own selves!

When I tried doing just what they were telling me, my sis didn’t appreciate ‘cause she wanted me to be my fun self and entertain, and mom fervently tried to explain why my sis didn’t appreciate my reading a book (btw white tiger might have got a bookers but totally mediocre stuff – unimpressed!)

So I had to shut the damn book (I obviously pretended it to be a favour to my sis rather than admit it wasn’t worth it in the first place) And start being my happy self which I got paid for in terms of yummy food (somehow cooking what you have cooked isn’t fun) yesterday I also got a little wine, so 

But today, life wasn’t as simple…

Firstly it started off with me in ‘bhabhiji’ mode, fighting with my maid who just refuses to come on time…
Then I get to work, the wine and yummy food wasn’t really behaving too well and work was just making me more woozy when a PR girl buzzed me with a link to share…
Guessing it must be something work related n her incessant pestering made me open the link… and to my shock there were some rather lewd pics in there…. WHAT A F@#KING JOKE? (line courtesy White Tiger)
I mean hulloooooooo, what was she thinking???? My head is as wobbly has my fat lil Leo making a chase for his toy... just not being able to fathom things around me!

Seriously, where are the simpler times!

i called it a poem, he said it's a song...

He walked up the stairs as if he knew the way
I stared not willing to let him slip away,
My heart lost the beat, as tears washed away
‘This is my moment here!’ Passing away….

He painted the picture right out of my dream,
He sang our song, and made my heart scream,
So many times I had dreamt of this,
So many lives I’ve wanted to be his,
He’d finally granted me all I’d wished,
Complete with the right words his task accomplished

Yet there I stood too far for an embrace,
My heart sank, I’d long dropped outta the race,
My fate I’d written with my own hand,
The tears rolled on, and time slipped away like sand

He must hear that No!
Though I’d never want him to go,
I’d to tell him if he didn’t already know….
My heart’s broken pieces weren’t mine anymore….

ramblings.... if I may

Back after a tiny break, it felt wonderful to have my friends reminding me to update, made me feel important and a little proud of my persuasiveness. I literally have them on gunpoint every time I write a blog and compulsorily make them read it  but I love it all the same!
So well, I thought I must have loads to update, since three days is a long time for life to be uneventful… but nothing earth shattering has happened….
Yes, MJ passed away while the world is mourning I don’t know how I feel about it. I mean I do feel bad when I see the news reports and hear his music but that’s that…. I still don’t know what I’m feeling. One things for sure that it’s pathetic to be lonesome, living in a constant fear when you have hordes of people loving you, weeping, waiting for just a glance of you. I guess, they are right when they say too much of anything is bad. And I’ve just been made to realize, I laugh a way bit toooo much!!!

Here’s the thing, I get terribly stifled when I cannot be myself. After a lil bit of sitting-upright-at-the-dinner-table kinda formality in a quick year life at my in-laws has become less stressful and more family. Thankfully, even they, now, know not to get too startled if they see me suddenly dancing to nothing at all… the issue being I never really realized how often I act totally crazy till I completely freaked my father-in-law out!

When he returned from work, I was quietly reading the paper, I was very curious to read about this article they had in the TOI about how the maid has become the family man’s fantasy (they are really creeping me out with such articles) so well, he sneaked quietly at my side and looked rather worried. I looked up at him only to answer questions like – “are you alright? Did someone say something to you? Are you upset? Hungry?” I had zero inkling about what he was getting at but I repeated told him ‘I am fine’…. After much assurance he suspiciously stopped only to ask, “if all is well, why aren’t you smiling and dancing around?” Jeeeeez! I didn’t know I did that so often! No wonder no one takes me seriously at home.

Did I just say home? Surprising cause I really don’t know which one is my home anymore! Is it where my mom is? Is it where my pa-in-law is…. Or is it the place H n I are so fervently trying to make into a home? I guess it is confusion that will remain my asylum for life!

it's not the same anymore....

I don’t know what it is about the rains I like so much but I just can’t stop smiling when they declare ‘monsoon’s here’. I haven’t really gone out there and soaked up though I was really close that day…
When it got all windy and dark, Hubert and I decided to go up on the terrace and well, enjoy the rains. Thankfully the watchman was there to open the terrace gate but somehow, for some reason he insisted on standing right there… perhaps he didn’t trust me with my husband!

So basically, so far the rains have been bleak quantitatively; qualitative? I mustn’t go there at all. And what’s this I hear about the El Nino…. Are Americans gonna take away our RAINS TOO??? Any thing Pacific is American-specific to me so I have all the rights to hold grudges!

I miss those days when we were in school and everything used to be shut due to crazy heavy rains.... now, in our concrete jungle it's either drought or floods everything in between is lost!

Anyways, with all the grudging aside, I did manage a wee bit of teehee in the rains while away at lunch today. It was a girl-gang’s day out (didn’t end too well for some) and our choice of place was rather interesting… SPORTS BAR. We did try our hand at basketball since we were letting the ambience take over… the best part was that we did actually basket the ball a few times too so basically happy…

Just that by the time we were out of our lil macho-hangout, there were no rains! There wasn’t even the semblance of it, we did get soaked with perspiration but like some might know, that’s not the same!

Shtuff I don't dig

Sex sells and how! It is actually a fact that a lot of buyers of the daily tabloid like Midday pick it up for the titillating ‘midday-mate’ than for its headlines. Though if you read some of their headlines it pretty much covers up the midday-mate (literally) for they are so outrageously salacious. They say, it’s nothing wrong as long as their sales are going up, but I just feel that people are plain giving up. Having a nude woman in an ad takes care of 90% viewership so why work so hard on the creative? Not ‘racking’ their brains and completely taking refuge behind busty placards saying ‘Sex Sells’.

As I have mentioned, off late I am not too cued into the television scene but that just gets me more appalled every time I check it out. Seriously, the kind of ads that are making waves around these days are very sleazy. And to think, I never managed to get into copy writing!!!! Please tell me, why all the men-deo ads are basically trying to outdo each other in getting the women (very cheap women that too…) though every man on the earth’s surface is basically trying to get some woman or the other, the least that they can do is do it style, dude!

There’s of course, that ‘yeh toh bada toing hai’ number which completely takes the cake. Have they really looked around and seen any man being treated THAT way by a woman? For those who haven’t seen the ad – They makers have tried to project this fictitious world where men are basically playing the ‘abla nari’ and getting bullied by the women. So well, God comes to their rescue and presents the ‘man’ the toing-ie undergarment…
he wears it and suddenly gets all macho. And what’s the first thing a macho guy has to do, threaten the women! Ya that’s being very cool! Gosh! Who makes these ads? And is there anyone out there who thinks they are funny or cool??? I wouldn’t know… actually I would like to believe no one likes them!

Another thing I would just prefer believing is that people aren’t really STILL sitting out there and making stupid jokes on Shiney Ahuja. It’s a disgusting thing – one way or the other, if he’s done it – it’s sickening, if he has been framed, it’s still sickening but don’t make stupid (really they are not funny) jokes on something that’s so disgusting. I don’t know what people are trying to do, trivialize it?

Frankly, off late that’s all the media has been doing - trivialize stuff that’s poignant and highlight stuff that might just catch eye-balls! People don’t have patience with things that require time. Times cannot be changing SO MUCH!

Just recently the NYT had an article saying Holden Caufield (from JD Salinger’s CATCHER IN THE RYE) aint impressing the young any more. It’s in the American curriculum and while people my age relate to the boy, they viz the kids studying it today are finding it extremely boring. They just want him to “shut up and have his Prozac”. I don’t know what to say anymore. I feel like the person in the group who’s trying to say how much fun it was at the game while others are sitting out there lamenting about how boring it was!

Procrastinating sucks!

Sat seeing UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN. I had received great reviews from a friend but frankly it wasn’t something out of the world though I enjoyed it in parts. For the longest time now, I have been in the mood to watch some good stuff, something that’s simple yet sweet (kinda like me *takes a bow*) I did manage to see one a few months ago called A SHOP AROUND THE CORNER and was pleasantly surprise but none after that….

In fact, off late I haven’t really seen many movies (I am a total movie buff, nothing out of the ordinary, even regular boy meets girl movies go wonderfully with me!) not because of the strike, that has never stopped me but just generally hasn’t happened. It’s perhaps the longest interlude between two films so far! Guess the work was hectic or the ambience wasn’t just right. Which is altogether too surprising since recently, on my husband’s insistence and persistence and dedication (he worked very hard for this one) we managed to treat ourselves with a television set.

It was a little expensive venture but since we both love watching movies and always dreamt of that big screen thinggie at the comfort of our own house, we thought we could push ourselves just a lil bit more and get that plasma TV we’ve so been wanting.

The TV is now coupla weeks old but we haven’t seen a single film. Leave aside a film; we didn’t even get through one episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (no surprise we have the entire collection) we started it, I think twice and just never got around seeing it.

Such is life, you slog and you slog thinking there’d be a time to enjoy it all, and time? Well it just keeps slipping away!

The Flaunting Frenzy

I am so totally overwhelmed today.

It hasn’t really been too long being married but for someone like me who is totally averse to change, it has been a long time coping up with the NEW. New house, new family, new relatives, new Papa, new kitchen, new me…

While sometimes, even today, my head starts reeling with all the changes that have occurred over the past coupla years; I, sometimes cannot for the life of me remember what it used to be. What is it exactly that I have been missing somewhere deep in my head…

And then I chanced upon an old CD my then-boyfriend-now-hubby had made. It had videos and pictures of how we used to be and just exactly everything in it told me what’s missing in our happy and content life…

Then just visiting people used to be a high, it was like a proclamation that we are indeed together, not just for us but to the world. Just spending that time walking around the mall would have an underlying statement to it saying – we are one, in case you didn’t already know.

Today we are one, pretty happy and content with life so far. We still pretty often visit the mall mostly to fill up the grocery, totally worried that we might have to make a trip again if we even miss the silliest thing (I do make lists but I can never for the life of me find where I kept it, right when I am supposed to leave)

We have those lil moment still wherein we go visiting people and they coming over. Though the times that we get to play host it slightly more thrilling cause we get to flaunt how well we function as a unit…

But somewhere, just somewhere we have, in this year and a half, forgot to be so obscenely proud of being together, we have forgotten what it takes to defy the world and the stares and be lost in each others eyes….

Wish, just wish the life, I saw in the photographs today, lived on forever. Just for once, I don’t want to take the world for granted and really want to spell it out to whoever listens that we are insanely proud of US.

People might ask me why, what’s the thrill?

I frankly, don’t really know. But there clearly is something amiss when you take the most beautiful thing in your life and not really showing off!

the beginning....

I have been missing writing, though that's what I do for a living everyday/every month.... basically, I have been missing writing about myself. Venting out whatever little I have to say...

I'm pretty inhibited when it comes to expressing me views. I would much rather keep my opinion for myself, it helps me sometimes as a journo wherein I can just do the right thing and just report as heard.... but that doesn't mean there isn't anything waiting to spill out.

With the current events around the film industry, wherein actors are raping their maids (for me its guilty unless proven innocent) and a whole bandwagon of cricketers coming back disappointing the nation.... and then there's the actors wife who is frankly the one person I feel solely upset for.... Being married for over a year now, I sort of know what it feels like to feel related to someone, through no blood-ties but just love, what if feels like to face any surprise that comes your way post the registration that happens in that tiny cubicle where the law pronounces you husband and wife.

And having your husband being called a rapist... well, I would be too shaken to stand there to tell the press anything at all....

How do these star wives do it? Sit proudly at the premier hall, seeing your husband romance another woman..... I would never know